Cutting Corners

Back To Normal?

[d1noli @ Monday, May 09, 2005]

Things have begun to get back to normal here in suburbia. With us finding out that we were spared from the layoffs, my partner and I have begun to pick up the pieces in our lives we had dropped and move on. We've started to exercise and eat healthy again. We're enjoying life (and each other) a little bit more. And, most of all, we're actually looking forward to the summer.

Don't get me wrong though. Being spared from the cutbacks doesn't mean that things are going to be fine from this point on. It would be stupid of us to think that everything is alright now. The reality is that we work in a sinking ship and as long as it continues to draw in water, we'll never be safe. For now, however, we've been given a temporary reprieve, another plug in the hole so to speak. If anything, we need to start making plans on how to escape before we go down for the count.

The problem --- leaving the company sounds so much easier than it really is. Where do we start? How do we go about doing it? Those who know us are aware of our dream to open our own business. Nice thought, right? But it's a really serious undertaking we're talking about here, one that requires careful planning and preparation. It's not easy to jump from a stable job (even amidst the recent turn of events at work) to a totally risky venture. Should we follow this dream and fail, we would end up with nothing. And that is a REALLY scary thought!

I guess that's why I'm kinda at a crossroads in my life right now. The recent shakeup has made me realize that I'm no longer happy where I am. I do love my job and thank God everyday for being in Human Resources. However, one can only take so much stress from all that's been happening (and, unfortunately, it's not going to stop any time soon). It's become clear that hard work no longer guarantees you job security in this environment. That's a very painful pill to swallow for someone like me who believes in job loyalty being rewarded.

On the other hand, leaving to start a new path is also proving difficult. It's a big, big risk. And I'm not one who likes to take these kind of chances specially at this point in my life. Losing everything (including the proverbial shirt off my back) would crush me big time. I often wonder if I would have the strength to pick myself back up and start anew should this happen. All-in-all, I think it's this lack of certainty that is causing me to act like a deer caught in the headlights. I won't lie. It's terrifying the heck outta me. And that is what's making me procrastinate. BIG TIME.

I realize that this kind of fear is unhealthy since it prevents me from widening my horizons. One cannot expect to grow if he is unwilling to come out into the light. But at the same time, this state of "darkness" is my comfort zone, my state of normalcy. It is in being ignorant of the risk (as well as the possibility) that I find a sense of safety.

Last weekend, we went to see a play called "Take Me Out". The story basically focuses on a popular baseball player who comes out of the closet and, along with that, the resulting effects this revelation has on everyone else. While there were many themes touched on in the play, one of the more poignant for me was on the very issue affecting my life right now --- taking a risk.

The gay baseball player is challenged by a colleague to take a risk and be true to himself. According to the colleague, it is the only way to reach happiness. So, taking his friend's advice, the baseball player decides to come out. The risk resulted in some dire consequences (the colleague turns out to be a bigot and breaks all ties with the baseball player). But, at the same time, it also reaped some great rewards (a new friendship is developed between the baseball player and his gay business manager). In the end, was the risk worth it? Though the story was not exactly definitive about that, I would like to believe so. In my opinion, the baseball player was able to find a level of humanity he did not have before.

So, should I follow the baseball player's lead and "come out" as well? Do I dare risk leaving the life I have built for myself at work (9 long years!) and finally take the leap and move on? I wish I knew the answer to that. Maybe if I had the same resolve as that of the baseball player, it would be so much easier to decide. As for now, however, I continue to ponder on it. I just hope my decisions take me to the right path, to the path of normalcy.