Cutting Corners

Three Years Past

[d1noli @ Monday, July 21, 2008]

It's currently Sunday afternoon and I had nothing better to do, so I decided to surf around the internet. One thing led to another and I came back to this site. (I can't believe it still exists after all this time!) I started reading all my previous journal entries in this blog, reliving memories I had written about in times past.

What a difference three years make! I'm still the same person , yet time has made me a little bit different. I have new experiences that have made me grown. I have lost and gained new friends, co-workers, allies, etc. I've gone through several ups and downs that come with living life.

I don't write as much as I used to as free time has become a commodity as of late. I have new job, new store, new baby (dog) --- the list goes on and on. Hopefully, I will still have pockets of time like today that will allow me to log my thoughts. Until then, I'll have to make do with reading my previous posts.

My Bro

[d1noli @ Tuesday, November 01, 2005]

I had taken half a day off to meet up with my brother who was in town visiting from Iraq, taking a much needed break from his military service. While we had actually wanted to meet up earlier, circumstances had prevented us from doing so. (I was swamped at work as usual while he had a full agenda visiting other family and friends.) Fortunately enough for us, our schedules did align on this day. So, in an effort to make best of the limited time we had, we made plans to have dinner.

Upon meeting up, we settled on a Mexican restaurant close to where I live called On The Border. Getting there early proved beneficial as we scored ourselves some good seating before the Friday crowd started to arrive. The meal also turned out to be satisfactory, serving as an ample medium in which we could catch up. (Food and drink are always great common ground. Most of my best conversations and interactions between people have been done over a meal.)

Truthfully, my brother and I have never shared a lot in common. Some might even say that we represent two extremes of the spectrum. He's the jock while I'm the nerd. He abhors structure while I positively live off it. I've often wondered how we could be so starkly different in personality amidst our being brought up by the same parents and pretty much the same environment.

Of course, it should be no surprise that our distinct characters have often lead us into conflict. Weren't it for the fact that we share the same blood, I highly doubt we would be friends, let alone acquaintances. My brother and I live such contrasting lives that there would probably be no chance of us ever meeting under our normal-life circumstances. And if we did ever meet, we'd probably want to rip each other's heart out.

Don't get me wrong. I do love my brother and care for him very much. (And I'm sure he feels the same way about me.) However, I do realize that the best way to show that love is to basically let him be and stay out of his way. He is an adult now, making his own choices. And as much as I may disagree with some of them, I do need to give him the respect he deserves. Some people have accused me of not being a real brother because I choose to take this "apathetic" attitude. I feel differently. A true brother would do no less.

Sometimes showing "apathy" is the actually best sign of affection. I've come to realize that there are just some people in the world that you should not get along with. It doesn't mean that those people are bad or wrong nor does it mean you're flawed yourself. It just means that the best recourse to take to ensure harmony is to stay as detached from each other's lives as much as possible. My brother and I both love each other. However, at the same time, molding ourselves to fit in the other's life does nothing but detriment our own well-being. Why should we have this unnecessary stress upon ourselves when being detached not only makes us happier but allows us to grow unhampered?

So, in the end, this "apathy" serves to be the basis of our relationship. To those who view it, our interactions with one another may seem sporadic, few and far between, devoid of any emotion. In reality, it's the ideal situation for both of us --- a true reflection of the love we have for each other. My baby brother headed back to Iraq this last Wednesday. I did not bring him to the airport nor did I send him any goodbyes. All I did was say a silent prayer wishing for his safe return soon. No one, not even he, saw this act of love and I'm sure that is how he would have wanted it.

Enjoying Work

[d1noli @ Wednesday, October 05, 2005]

The recent cancellation of my training event did not equate to a lessened workload. In fact, for the last couple of weeks, I have been bombarded with nothing but work. While the event itself was cancelled, all the content gathered for this was still salvaged. Now, in its place, we are planning to deliver training via two associate workbooks --- a sort of self-paced learning session if you will. So, as a result of this renewed direction, a lot of my time is spent creating and editing lessons which will meet this vision.

This project, however, is but a small part of all the OTHER tasks that I need accomplished. There is still a monthly publication that needs to be made (which, by the way, is already two weeks behind schedule). Weekly readiness training sessions still have to be developed. Online learning lessons require updating as we go into our peak associate hiring season. A new training event needs to be planned for early next year. Finally, on top of all this, we also are currently one person short --- meaning everyone has to take on extra job responsibilities to cover that void in the meantime. (I guess it was pretty foolish of me to think that with my event being cancelled, I would actually have some free time to breathe!)

Anyways, in order to catch up, I have resorted to working over the weekends and staying at the office late. I have even stopped carpooling during the interim. (Which, incidentally, is NOT good given the outrageous prices of gas these days!) Fortunately for me, I happen to like what I do (although not necessarily the company I work for). Were I still in my previous job of merchandise replenishment, I probably would be bitching a fit right now and wanting to quit. This just goes to show how enjoying what you do can make all the difference in the world.

I take great joy and satisfaction in being able to develop training. It allows me to not only exercise my creative abilities but also challenges me to learn things I would otherwise take for granted. Plus, being able to make a difference by helping people better themselves is something I find personally rewarding. It makes me feel like I'm "the good guy" and allows me to deal with the stressful aspects of the job easier. Sure, there'll be bad days where this stress will get the better of me (working weekends and staying late for instance!) However, as long as the good things outweigh the bad, I can honestly say that I like my job.

Along with this job satisfaction also comes an added benefit --- an ability to truly enjoy days off. Often times, people can find their personal lives enroached by the stresses of work. This lingering negativity can taint attitudes and, ultimately, ruin one's chance of enjoying life. When one likes his job , he is more able to easily detach himself from work and, consequently, carry less negative energy with him back home. This, in turn, results in a more effective recharging of the soul. Simply put, I am able to come to the office every Monday with great enthusiasm and energy. (And on some days, I actually look forward to it!)

Claiming to like work is a very hard thing to say nowadays, especially when you work at a company like mine with all its cutbacks and layoffs. There are too many people today who do not like their jobs. So, being able to really enjoy what I do and find personal fulfillment from it is a true blessing that I should never take for granted. I am fortunate enough to be in a job that allows me to grow both professional and personally. While it may not necessarily be the best job in the world, it is still a great chance of a lifetime.

Facing Rejection

[d1noli @ Thursday, August 04, 2005]

I don't like it when things don't work out.

Just this morning, I was told that a training event I had been working on for the last couple of months was not pushing through. Lack of funding according to the powers that be. My heart sank upon hearing the news.

Were this the initial stages of the project, I would have been less devastated and more emotionally detached. However, I'd already invested a lot of time and effort into this. Among other things, I was able to get a procurement process started for the event's logistics, organize an instructional design team to handle the development of the training material, implement a detailed strategy-timeline, and begin gathering rich content from the subject matter experts. And now, with the plug being pulled, all this work has gone to waste.

So, needless to say, I am a little bit more than depressed right now. As much as I like my job, it is times like these when I begin to question my very worth in the organization. Let's face it --- training is often seen as an ignored stepchild, often forgotten unless really needed. In fact, the only time I seem to get any attention around here is when something goes awry. An associate saying he's not been trained adequately therefore can't make enough money. Or maybe a customer complaining because of a policy's feature was not explained well enough. Yes, no one ever really thinks about training unless training is part of the problem.

The ironic thing is --- there wouldn't BE a training problem if there actually WAS training taking place. You stop my projects telling me that it's not important then later come back to me complaining that there wasn't enough training! WTF? It's almost like someone shooting themselves then telling a doctor (who's trying to help, by the way) that it's his fault. AARGH! Will someone please stop the insanity?!

I know I have to become more accepting of these kind of things. It's just business after all and, at the end of the day, more important initiatives will have to take precedence over other "immeasurables". However, I won't deny that it will ALWAYS hurt. When others people don't align to my same vision and passion, I feel rejected. It's as if, my own person is the one being attacked and denied.

This is yet another reason why I've begun to feel like Corporate America is not for me. I've never been good at taking rejection. This environment is all about looking at cold hard numbers and making a decision based of that. The human element is completely taken out of the equation. Therefore, something may be the right thing to do from a people perspective but if it doesn't clearly produce a return on investment, then it's viewed as worthless. That's why I often feel like I am a nothing in this job. I can make a world of difference by giving others valuable skills and learnings, but here, those skills are seen as unnecessary.

Everyday I work, it almost seems like I lose a part of my soul. Weren't it for the fact of my partner, my family and my friends, I wouldn't have a way to find it back. Fortunately for me, they are the part of my life that do work out. Because of their love, I do not feel rejected.

Memorable Memphis

[d1noli @ Saturday, July 16, 2005]

A couple of weekends ago I made the long trek from Chicago to Memphis to spend time with family. The drive there was a grueling 8+ hours, not withstanding the fact that I also had to leave after work. So, by the time I arrived, it was a little past 1:00 am.

I decided to visit Memphis for a number of reasons: 1) I hadn't seen my family since Thanksgiving of last year; 2) I hadn't seen Memphis for over two years; 3) I wanted to visit friends and old hangouts; 4) The 4th of July weekend allowed me an extra day of visit time without having to use up any of my already too few vacation days; 5) My family had just installed a new pool and purchased a new pontoon boat (this last reason being the MOST important of all..hehe). But seriously, if anything else, visiting family and friends in Memphis would allow me a needed break from work.

Friday, my first day there, was spent just relaxing. I woke up late morning (how refreshing!) to watch a little TV and just lounge around. At around 12 noon, I met up with a friend to eat at a Mexican restaurant called El Porton. (This is one of my favorites because of their cheese dip, something that Chicago restaurants don't have here for some reason.) After the hearty lunch (and a few KILLER margaritas!), I headed back to my in-laws' house dip in the pool. This experience, needless to say, was quite relaxing and stupid me ended up snoozing in the water (and getting sunburnt a bit in the process). By the time I done with all that, my family had returned from work. Now that we were all together, we decided to head off for some dinner at a seafood restaurant called The Boiling Point. The food was good but, unfortunately, I was still full from lunch to really enjoy the meal.

Later that night, I headed off to midtown to visit friends and go to our old haunts. We started off at Metro, a basic dive bar, to have a couple of drinks. The place had been renovated since we were last there so it looked better than usual. (Still, the place isn't called a dive bar for nothing!) After that, we headed off to Backstreet to watch the midnight drag show. Like the bar we had visited before it, this place too had been renovated. The stage was now where the old dancefloor used to be. Additionally, the old stage area was now a simple video lounge and the entire bar had been expanded to accommodate a new dance complex.

The drag show was just like what we remembered it to be performance-wise. Somehow, however, it still wasn't the same. Maybe it was just us, but it seemed like there weren't that much people there that night . (You'd think that the place would be packed specially with all the renovations done. Plus, it was the 4th of July weekend.) Anyways, after the show, we went and spent a few minutes dancing at the new extension of the bar. Now, we would have loved to stay longer but, sadly, the crowds just weren't there to draw energy from. (Were this a club in Chicagoland, we would have been lucky to even find a spot to stand in on a Friday night.) So, just after a few minutes of shaking our asses, we chose to call it a night.

On Saturday, we were treated to some spectacular weather. Since it would have been such a big waste to not take advantage of the day, my family and I decided to take the pontoon boat out for some fun under the sun. Lake Enid was a short drive away, so it became the designated destination of choice.

Never having been to this place before, I was greeted to such a beautiful sight upon our arrival. The lake was nothing short of breathtaking! It was so huge that the water seemed to go on forever. Additionally, you could easily tell that the place was very well-maintained. From just that initial reaction of the place, I could already sense that this was going to be a GREAT day.

We started off by taking the boat around the lake for a bit. After getting acclimated to our surroundings, we decided next to go "tubing". Now, this was a first for me and, honestly, I had no clue what to expect. I soon found out, however, that this was somewhat like cross between water skiing and bobsledding. In other words, it was a LOT of fun (so much so that I couldn't wait to do it again). What a rush!

Tubing worked up our appetites, so by early afternoon, we were ready to eat some lunch. We found ourselves a little alcove close to where we had launched. There, we were able to find a small grill to cook some burgers and wieners. (I swear that my hunger made the food taste 10x better!) After that, we took the boat out for one last spin and round of tubing. By that time, it was already late afternoon and the water had begun to get cooler and choppier. Thus, we had to call it a day and made our way back home.

The whole lake incident wore me out big time, so for the rest of the afternoon and later that night, I just lounged around the house. I did go out for some dinner and drinks (the in-laws passed) but that pretty much comprised the rest of my day. After that, I chose to go to bed instead. (And I'm glad I did because the next day I was SORE!)

Sunday was pretty much a rest day for everyone. We did go out for breakfast but, other than that, we pretty much spent the whole day watching TV, wading at the pool and napping. At night, I met up with a friend at a place called Dish in midtown. There we just chatted away and caught up. As much as I wanted to, I just could not stay late due to my early departure back to Chicago. Spending time with the friend, nevertheless, was still a lot of fun. It was also so interesting to see all the people show up at this bar. Unlike Backstreet on Friday night, this place had become very happening by around 9:00 pm.

Finally on Monday, after three very relaxing days in Memphis, I packed my bags and said my good-byes. I can honestly say that the trip here was truly worth the effort. As much as I love Chicago, Memphis has and will always have a special place in my heart. This small little city in the South has so many memories that I will never forget. And each time I come back, I know there are always more happy memories awaiting me.

Memorial Day 2005

[d1noli @ Saturday, June 04, 2005]

What an experience this couple of days turned out to be!  

This past weekend was the Memorial Day holiday. Observed on the last Monday in May, Memorial Day is the United States' commemoration of those in the armed forces that were killed in war. For a Filipino such as myself, however, this day has no other special meaning to me other than an extra day off. (I know I should probably be more 'patriotic' about all this specially since my brother is off fighting for this country. However, having no real history to root me to this land kinda makes it hard to do that.)

So, anyways, my weekend started off earlier than most folk as I took the Friday prior off. I really didn't do much and my day pretty much boiled down to playing online pictionary with a friend in the Philippines. (Ahhh! The beauty of the internet. You can actually hangout without hanging out.) When my partner came back in the afternoon, we spent the rest of the day running around doing errands. Most of these centered around the party we were going to hold on Sunday and by the time we had ended, it was close to 1 AM.

Saturday started off with a tremendous amount of cleaning. Being the neat freak that I am, there was no way I was going to present a messy home to our guests the next day. Under the circumstances, I would have cleaned on the morning of the event itself. However, I knew we would be coming home late that night so I had to do my chores now or else not have another opportunity to do so. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the time noon rolled around. And that was just the beginning of the day!

By that afternoon, we had arrived in the city to partake of the International Mister Leather festivities. The event was being held in the downtown Hyatt just as it had been the year prior. (Yes, I actually attended the event last year too. It's a shock, I know.) Now, I'm not much into the whole leather scene but I do respect anyone who is a part of this culture. It's an interesting one to say the least and I always enjoy seeing a different world. Makes me embrace my belief of diversity and tolerance so much more.

Of course, we also had a MO for coming here. We were shopping for some leather! This was going to be the theme of our party, after all, and we weren't about to chicken out now specially knowing that some would go "all the way". Needless to say, we ended up spending about $200 worth of "toys" (snicker!). The only regret I had was that I didn't get that humongous strap-on bed that was on sale. NOT!

After that enlightening experience, we headed off to have some drinks and dinner at Crew. Then, from there, we headed off to The Eagle. Now, for those of you who do not know this place, let me just say that it's NOT a hangout for the weak of heart (specially during Leatherfest Weekend!). Still, a friend forced convinced me to do it and, to be honest, I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Surprisingly, it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It was just a bar with people who happened to like the leather culture. (Again, not my scene, but hey, I'm sure there are people out there who don't like my scene either. So it kinda balances out the karma in the world, right?) Anyways, the visit to The Eagle pretty much served as the nightcap before heading home.

Sunday was party day so we pretty much spent the morning preparing the food. We were going to have kabobs as a main entree so we had to skewer all the meat and vegetables. (Hehe! I said "meat".) We were also serving some white sangria to complement the meal and that called for chopping up an enormous amount of fruit. (Hehe! I said "fruit".) By the time we had gotten preparations done, it was almost 2 PM and our party started at 3! We, therefore, quickly got into our leather attire and readied ourselves for the first guests to arrive.

People slowly trickled in at first. However, by the time 5 PM rolled around, our house was pretty much full and the party had officially started. I cannot say this enough --- We are so lucky to have so many friends! Many of the people we invited could have easily said no since it was Memorial Day Weekend. Instead, they made a decision to spend the day with us (some even chose to stay ALL NIGHT). That's no small gesture in my book and for that I feel blessed.

Anyways, somewhere along the way, a guest had decided to make Cake Shots. This was a potent mixture of vanilla vodka, frangelico and a lemon wedge topped with sugar. All I can say is that, this drink HITS YOU if you're not paying attention to the alcohol content. So let's just say that by the end of the night, some people were "happy". (Too happy, if you ask me.) When you're feeling THAT good, playing a round of CLR and/or singing kareoke and/or getting spankalicious just seems all the more fun.

All-in-all, my partner and I had a great time hosting. The cleanup was a bitch afterwards but part of me knows it was all worth the effort. (It's still trying to convince the other part of me though!) We got a chance to welcome people into our home and celebrate the friendships we shared with them. It's events like these that make life worth living.

My Memorial Day Weekend started off with nary a pop and ended off with a big bang. The momentum of this whole weekend was both exciting and scary at the same time. It was kinda like International Mister Leather, to tell ya the truth. I think that's what made the leather theme of our party all the more appropriate. Getting to partake in a whole range of diverse experiences --- from lounging around doing nothing to scurrying about trying to be a good host --- was exactly what I needed to do. These memories I have gained are what Memorial Day is all about.

Back To Normal?

[d1noli @ Monday, May 09, 2005]

Things have begun to get back to normal here in suburbia. With us finding out that we were spared from the layoffs, my partner and I have begun to pick up the pieces in our lives we had dropped and move on. We've started to exercise and eat healthy again. We're enjoying life (and each other) a little bit more. And, most of all, we're actually looking forward to the summer.

Don't get me wrong though. Being spared from the cutbacks doesn't mean that things are going to be fine from this point on. It would be stupid of us to think that everything is alright now. The reality is that we work in a sinking ship and as long as it continues to draw in water, we'll never be safe. For now, however, we've been given a temporary reprieve, another plug in the hole so to speak. If anything, we need to start making plans on how to escape before we go down for the count.

The problem --- leaving the company sounds so much easier than it really is. Where do we start? How do we go about doing it? Those who know us are aware of our dream to open our own business. Nice thought, right? But it's a really serious undertaking we're talking about here, one that requires careful planning and preparation. It's not easy to jump from a stable job (even amidst the recent turn of events at work) to a totally risky venture. Should we follow this dream and fail, we would end up with nothing. And that is a REALLY scary thought!

I guess that's why I'm kinda at a crossroads in my life right now. The recent shakeup has made me realize that I'm no longer happy where I am. I do love my job and thank God everyday for being in Human Resources. However, one can only take so much stress from all that's been happening (and, unfortunately, it's not going to stop any time soon). It's become clear that hard work no longer guarantees you job security in this environment. That's a very painful pill to swallow for someone like me who believes in job loyalty being rewarded.

On the other hand, leaving to start a new path is also proving difficult. It's a big, big risk. And I'm not one who likes to take these kind of chances specially at this point in my life. Losing everything (including the proverbial shirt off my back) would crush me big time. I often wonder if I would have the strength to pick myself back up and start anew should this happen. All-in-all, I think it's this lack of certainty that is causing me to act like a deer caught in the headlights. I won't lie. It's terrifying the heck outta me. And that is what's making me procrastinate. BIG TIME.

I realize that this kind of fear is unhealthy since it prevents me from widening my horizons. One cannot expect to grow if he is unwilling to come out into the light. But at the same time, this state of "darkness" is my comfort zone, my state of normalcy. It is in being ignorant of the risk (as well as the possibility) that I find a sense of safety.

Last weekend, we went to see a play called "Take Me Out". The story basically focuses on a popular baseball player who comes out of the closet and, along with that, the resulting effects this revelation has on everyone else. While there were many themes touched on in the play, one of the more poignant for me was on the very issue affecting my life right now --- taking a risk.

The gay baseball player is challenged by a colleague to take a risk and be true to himself. According to the colleague, it is the only way to reach happiness. So, taking his friend's advice, the baseball player decides to come out. The risk resulted in some dire consequences (the colleague turns out to be a bigot and breaks all ties with the baseball player). But, at the same time, it also reaped some great rewards (a new friendship is developed between the baseball player and his gay business manager). In the end, was the risk worth it? Though the story was not exactly definitive about that, I would like to believe so. In my opinion, the baseball player was able to find a level of humanity he did not have before.

So, should I follow the baseball player's lead and "come out" as well? Do I dare risk leaving the life I have built for myself at work (9 long years!) and finally take the leap and move on? I wish I knew the answer to that. Maybe if I had the same resolve as that of the baseball player, it would be so much easier to decide. As for now, however, I continue to ponder on it. I just hope my decisions take me to the right path, to the path of normalcy.