Confessions of a Middle-age Drama Queen
[d1noli @ Monday, August 16, 2004] So I got to watch the Lindsey Lohan movie, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, this weekend amidst my vehement disdain to do so. (Mark's idea. Not mine.) The story centers on Lindsey's character who desperately seeks to be extraordinary amidst seemingly ordinary circumstances. The movie, while extremely cheesy at best, did spark many of my thoughts this weekend.As much as I hate to admit it, I am just like the teenage drama queen in that movie. I, too, want to be extraordinary in some way. Watching the Olympics this weekend only heightened that emotion ten-fold. When I see someone like Michael Phelps win a gold medal at the age of 19, I can't not help but feel a twinge of jealousy. Why can't I be like that and why in the bloody hell am I not doing something about it? Why do I exist in the mediocre rather than be deemed for greatness? Here I am, a 30 year old nobody whose done nothing to mark his exsistence in the world. What a depressing thought!
It's an awful feeling. There is an emptiness inside of you that doesn't seem to go away, a dull numbness that persists. I wonder what it will take to fill that void? Should I even pursue that means or am I destined to fail? Kenneth seems to be headed the right way by choosing to leave his life here and move to Germany. Not a choice I would make personally but it will still fill up his own personal void if I understand his motivations correctly.
Or maybe I have been extraordinary and don't know it? In the movie, the drama queen realizes that being extraordinary does not require one to do extraordinary things but rather to live life the best way you know how. It was only when she grasped this concept that she found true fulfillment. Maybe my own void is filled by living a good life with my significant other, by dealing with the challanges we face as a (bi-racial) couple. That is, after all, no small effort.
We went and watched a very good indie film last Saturday called Touch of Pink. Not only was it funny and higly recommended but it does show the strains that a bi-racial couple must endure when dealing with everyday life. Although the couple portrayed was that of an Indian and Brit instead of a Filipino and American, I could not help but reference my own relationship through out the whole film. From the parents who wish that their child marry their own race, to the search of one's true self within the reality of couple-dom, the movie points out a lot of issues couples like us have to overcome.
I guess in the end only God will truly tell if I've been extraordinary or not. I do not regret the choices I've made in life though I've made my fair share of bad ones. Moreover, I am where I am now becuase of the decisions I have made, the roads I have travelled. For me to still be living in this world and having the opportunity to better myself everyday is extraordinary in itself.
I don't know if this void will go away anytime soon but at least the mere fact it's there does validate my "drama queen" existence. That for me is just as important as winning a gold in the Olympics.
2 Comments:
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I watched this movie. It's on sale on DVD. It was cheesy. But not like like pizza cheese. It was more like bubble gum stuck on your shoe.
I'd have to say this about filling in voids... maybe they weren't meant to be filled. Not to sound too nerdy, but with the conservation of matter laws, whenever you fill something up, whatever you fill it up with has to be taken from somewhere else. So you fill in one hole, but you have to dig another to do it. Then you'd have a new hole you need to fill. It just never stops.
No one wants to be ordinary. But when everyone is aspiring to be extraordinary, doesn't it become special to be the only ordinary guy left?
I know a person who works hard at being different. He wants people to think that he's a non-conformist, that he's spontaneous. And he does at good job at planning it, saying no to invitations days in advance but secretly planning to say yes at the last minute. Silly isn't it? Note that I didn't say stupid. No one's really stupid. Well, except for Islamic extremists. They're just morons. Anyone who thinks he can justify violence in the name of Islam (Islam -> salaam -> peace -> Hello!) was probably dropped one too many times on his head as a baby. But that's not the topic at hand...
Oh I have my pretensions, too. Like I said, everyone wants to be extraordinary, but if you really take a look at it, people admire others who are extraordinary. It's almost a pre-condition for belonging, being a valuable part of the community. Funny isn't it, that we strive to be different in order to belong? So are they actually two different things?
But here I go again, over-intellectualizing. I remember our high school religion class, where we learned about intellectual masturbation. Hey, this is sounding much more fun already!
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